1. |
Practically Imperfect
02:44
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I don't like my teeth
My tired old eyes or my nose
Or my rapidly receding hairline
And that's just my face
Don't you get me started
On what I've got stashed away under the bonnet
If this catalogue keeps exponentially growing
Soon it'll sink this little lifeboat I'm stranded on
Oh my god it's so easy to forget
To be a human being is to be a total mess
I love the flaws in others every day
But that's easy
The tricky part is learning how to love those things in me
I wish I was braver
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was thinner
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could read a book cover to cover
I swear it was easier when I was younger
I wish I could touch you
Without getting nervous
Sing for the fun
Without needing a meaning or a purpose
But oh my god it's so easy to forget
To be a human being
Is to be a total mess
But I looked into the mirror and I almost smiled today
I am practically imperfect in every single way
The tricky part is learning how to love those things in me
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2. |
the Pattern
02:24
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I've been sleeping until 4 or 5 in the afternoon
Haven't said a word in weeks
When your body clock somehow syncs up with one of Saturn's moons
Everybody else seems hard to reach
But I'm not fucking blind, man
I know what I'm doing
I can see the patten
But I don't know what I can do about the way I am
All those haunted places we return to in our dreams
Tucked away in our brains
My high school was demolished when I was 17
But a part of me is still walking down the corridors there
Please try not to wake me
I'm not finished dreaming
There is still a secret that I am yet to find in here
I'm not fucking blind man
I know what I'm doing
I can see the pattern but I don't know what I can do about the way I am
One day I will rise up
Light from lack of baggage
Fresh to meet the sunrise
But I don't know what I can do about the way I am
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3. |
GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE
04:01
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Good morning,
Welcome to the world sunshine!
You can't stay in bed forever.
Remember the deal:
Bed is for sleeping and masturbating
And you've had about as much as the human body can take of either of those so...
... we're going to get out of bed today!
Brace yourself, I'm like 90% certain you forgot to set the heating to come on this morning, so this isn't going to be pleasant for either of us.
5 - 4 - 3 - 2...
Okay, I'm not fucking around
Get out of bed
Come on!
Have a shower immediately.
I know you think you're fine and you smell okay -
You're not and you don't.
And as soon as you get into the shower you're not gonna want to get out of it.
This is what we do.
Get clean, get our body feeling better,
AND THEN WE PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON, CLEAN CLOTHES -
UGH, FUCK SAKE,
NO
IF YOU NEED TO DO A SMELLCHECK THEY'RE NOT CLEAN,
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M ADDING DO THE LAUNDRY TO TODAY'S LIST
Everybody has times where they just want to stay asleep forever
It's normal
Sometimes it lasts for days, weeks, or months
Even years
Maybe you've been broken up with
Maybe you hate your job
Maybe there isn't a reason
Maybe just fuck everything, because fuck everything,
But here's the thing
Nobody ever got happier lying around waiting to get happier,
SO STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND START MAKING YOURSELF SOME FUCKING BREAKFAST, JESUS CHRIST, HOW IS IT ALMOST 3PM
COME ON
Good morning welcome to the world, sunshine
This is how we get better
Every day we wake up and we get out of bed
We get dressed
We clean up last night's mess
And we keep doing these things, not because they're guaranteed to make us feel good
But because failing to do them is guaranteed to make us feel bad
And listen
I know.
I know it feels like I've just got you lugging heavy rocks around all day
for no reason,
with no reward
But please trust me, I can see what you're not able to see yet.
This isn't just a pile of stones
Okay?
We're building a castle together.
And we are going to build it brick by heavy brick
And I'm going to be here with you, every moment
Talking you through it
All you need to do is look at the ground in front of you
And put one foot in front of the other
And one day soon, I think,
I hope,
You're going to look up and you're going to see what we've been working on all this time.
You are going to see how far you've come
Rather than just how far there is still left to go
And eventually
You won't need me around so much anymore
So
One foot in front of the other
Pick up the rock
We're getting out of bed today
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4. |
the Simplest Words
03:30
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Let's take a moment to appreciate the way this feels
We won't come back this way again
It's hard to tell for sure which elements of this are real
And which are chemically enhanced
I'm pretty certain that I'm here because I want to be
But it's not easy to tell what I want from what I need
This fucking sickness is disintegrating all of me
Soon I will be nothing more
Than a puddle on living room floor
No longer capable of rational thought
Just a stomach and a jumble of nerves
I had something to say but I've forgotten how to say the simplest words
Let's take a breath and then another til the feeling slows
Then maybe we can try again
I hate this body, I hate this body,
I am more scared of myself than I am of anyone else
And oh I am so sorry for the way I come and go like this
Although you tell me you don't mind
The trouble is I've never navigated out of this
It grows until I'm nothing more
Than a puddle on the living room floor
No longer capable of rational thought
Just a stomach and a jumble of nerves
I had something to say but I forgot
I guess it's not important at all
These days I struggle with hello and goodbye
So if it's cool with you that's all I'm gonna say
All I gonna say
Yeah, I think that's all you're gonna get from me tonight
This body is built on the ruins of all the people I have ever been
Wise men build their houses on rocks
While the rest of us settle for skeletons
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5. |
Joy! Joy! JooOY!
04:01
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Tonight let's eat hot chocolate
Straight from the tin
Count our heartbeats until the sugar kicks in
You eat it slowly, you can make it last all night
Tonight let's turn the tv up loud
Waterboard ourselves with aspartame
And masturbate til all the oxytocin runs out
I mean
How could it be possible to drown yourself in joy?
How could it be possible to drown yourself in joy?
Tonight let's turn the shower right up
Full blast and hot
Lie down in the bath like it's a casket or a cot
And try to sleep
But we won't sleep
I thought writing it down might make me wanna stop
But I want more and more
And more of this
Til there's no room in me
I mean
How could it be possible to drown yourself in joy?
How could it be possible to drown yourself in joy?
I can barely hold my head above the surface of this joy
What do you make of this?
Sorry to over share
I guess I never really knew
How to keep things to myself
I know that's a problem
Really should start to solve
You're not my therapist
You didn't ask for this
And hell, even if you did
That doesn't mean I can
Just empty my baggage out
All over your living room
I need to see someone
Really I know I do
Cause I don't think I can stomach even one more bite of joy
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6. |
FUNGUS
02:13
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There is a fungus that is found out on the mountains
On America's northwest coast
And this fungus covers four square miles of earth
We are talking thousands upon thousands of seemingly individual mushrooms
Connected by this astounding underground mycorrhizal network
Making it
By far
The largest organism in the world
When my skin feels like a barrier between
Everything else in this universe and me
Then I try to remember
That there may very well be a link between us
That I can't see
Something underneath the surface
Buried
In among the weeds
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7. |
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The ground underneath my feet
Feels like it is crumbling away
And you were the only thing I had to hold on to
Tonight I'll go dancing alone
Where nobody knows me
Shake off the loneliness like snow off the shoulders of a winter coat
And when the music stops I'll weigh up
Whether I should call you
I think I'm going to leave my phone at home tonight
Cause I know that's the kind of thing I might do
The ground underneath my feet
It feels like it is dancing with me
And if I keep my eyes closed it's like I'm on my own
Sometimes you've just got to go
Where nobody knows your name
Lie in the loneliness like snow
Spread out your arms and make an angel
And when the music stops I'll weigh up
Whether I should call you
I think I'm going to leave my phone at home tonight
Cause I know that's the kind of thing I might do
(what happens in your dreams?
when you dream about me?)
The city doesn't look like any other
It is piled on top of itself
Like layers of sediment
You follow a path that feels level enough
Across roads and down alleys
And then, coming to a railing
You look over
And see the roof of a dizzying cathedral beneath you
That ten minutes earlier you had been staring up at in wonder
This city is a curse on cartographers
Bridges passing over bridges
Streets stacked upon streets upon streets
Parallel worlds that never quite meet
Buildings larger inside than out
Non-descript doors that lead, somehow, to entire, hidden towns
Stairwells that stretch ever up
And ever down
And all of this
Always
I strongly suspect
Moving
And changing
When no one is around
This city sleeps
And it sleeps deeply
Drawing long heavy breaths you might mistake for the growl of traffic
Or the groan of machinery
And when it dreams,
The empty streets swell with figments of its dreaming
Like you
Like me
We peer curiously down back alleys
We scale cathedrals and cling to their spires to crow with the gargoyles
We scratch dark prophecy into bathroom stall walls and answer calls on disconnected payphones
And through our eyes, and hearts, and mouths
The city begins to know itself
Through our missed exits, bad calls, and wrong turns
It thoroughly, painstakingly, maps itself out
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8. |
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Smile for the camera flash
Blinding
You see shooting stars in the carpet
The threads are unwinding
The clocks are unticking
The boxes are moving
Cause something is kicking inside of them
Your brain's not a pile up at spaghetti junction
Your brain is three pounds of pork
Riddled with conscience
Your brain is a brain and that's it
There's nothing to explain
And by the way
Your heart is no reason for staying in bed
Your heart's just a muscle
It pumps bad ideas from the gut to the head
Til you can't tell what's love and what's sugar and e-number bile instead
Smile for the camera flash
Blinding
You see the heat death of the universe
Time is unwinding
The baby is kicking
If you listen close you can hear
Something ticking inside of them
Thine is the kingdom of wires and bone
Your wardenless prison
Your forever home
You can live on the edges
And look through the gaps in the fences
But honestly that's about all
So what do you say, honey
While we are here
Let's make the best of this cosmic disaster
Tug at my nerves
Tug at my nerves
Tug at my nerves and make the church bells chime
Smile for the camera flash
Blinding
You see it all, all of creation
It stretches out just like a beautiful ballgown
A tuxedo perfectly tailored to every inch of you
I've only danced maybe twice in my life
But I'll make an exception for now, for tonight
As the heavens beneath us
Convulse and contract to be near us
Don't tell me there's no turning back
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9. |
Functional Poetry
02:37
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There must be a line between functional poetry
And self-flagellation
With a beat and a melody
These songs I've been writing
Are ever increasingly lists of my vices and fears
I tell myself that It's Art Because Honesty
But honestly, honesty hasn't been good to me
Lies and adrenaline are natural medicines
I'll take a nap while they steer
Like a shitty MacGyver
I improvise problems with everyday objects
Here's one I built out of milk jugs and matchsticks
So even when I'm in a twist about nothing
I still have the comfort of sucking at something
And I still apologise mostly on reflex
Shut down your feelings
Wallow and disconnect
But it's not my fault
It's just one of the side-effects
It's going to be like this for weeks
This is just what I need
It's just what I need
When do the symptoms begin to recede?
It's just what I need
It's just what I need
I feel the heat of your head on my cheek
Maybe together
We might be better
More than the sum of what makes us both weak
Before you arrive and I let you inside,
Promise you'll leave
When my shit gets old, honey
Promise you'll leave
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10. |
Dragon
02:47
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I can hear you
You don't need to roar
I can hear you
You and me, we were born intertwined
Your soul with mine
You don't need to roar
I can hear you just fine
I can see you
You don't need to breathe fire
I can see you
There are so few creatures like you and I
Please don't scare away the ones we find
You don't need to roar
I can hear you just fine
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11. |
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So
I kissed that person I've been talking to
You know
The one I've been mildly crushing on
On and off
For half a decade
And it felt strange
Not the kiss
The kiss was great
I mean, it felt strange to know that it was okay
That I didn't need to choose between this thing we have
And what this other thing could be
I could just relax and take things easy
As much as I am ever capable of either of those things, anyway
And drift wherever this strange new breeze might take me
You know me
I feel, at any given time, tugged in all directions at once
That is, if anything can be thus described, my defining quality
But I spent years pathologising that very thing
Listening with rapt attention when the world told me I was disgusting
Like a child listening to a bedtime story
And you know I don't think I even really mean that metaphorically
We really do make a point of teaching kids that there is precisely one person to be
One way to live
Straight
Cis
Overworked
And monogamous
Anything else is in some way less
And so I learned, as a lot of people like me did, that it was better to hide and lie and pretend
Than to express ourselves honestly
This approach was actively encouraged, for fucks sake
As if those habits ever once produced a single happy or healthy individual in the history of our species
It's like trying to shut off a garden hose by clamping your thumb over the end
It seems to work for about half a second
And then what had been a steady stream becomes a dozen water-jets shooting everywhere
You can't control it
And you get super fucking wet
And that metaphor got away from me a bit
What I'm trying to say is
By not accepting who I am and what I want
By crushing and condensing my identity til it explodes all over everybody's everything
I hurt people
And then I kept doing it
Over and over again
Until I learned that raging against the parts of me I find hard to love
Doesn't actually erase them
It doesn't actually fix anything
It just makes me ill
And unfulfilled
And you know what's truly terrible
Is that some people go their whole lives thinking that's an okay way to feel
They wake up every morning and voluntarily erase themselves
Dream by dream and wish by wish
Until they're barely even people anymore
They're just piles of bone and hair and flesh
Red meat going bad
And I dunno
Maybe it's just me man
But that sounds worse than any awkward, honest conversation
I have ever had
The thing is, once you pop you can't stop
And now I'm eyeing an uncomfortable question
What other parts of me have I been neglecting
What other scary, strange things are under here
Because if it's possible to love more than one person
Maybe I can love more than one aspect of me
Anyway
I don't need a reply to this urgently
I just wanted to say
I kissed someone today
And I think it changed everything
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12. |
Eaten Alive By Wolves
03:37
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Caught in a fib
And a dumb one at that
And looking anywhere but your eyes
I was invisible as a kid
Now I can't see myself for the lies
I didn't want to waste your time anyway
With all the bits and pieces clogging my brain
I'm not going to answer a call from myself
Whenever I do that it never goes well
So what will it take just to make it okay?
To make it all go away?
Miseryguts just causing a fuss
Don't give him the attention he craves
Boys who cry wolf
Get eaten alive by wolves
I think that's how that story ends
I didn't want to waste your time anyway
With all the bits and pieces clogging my brain
I'm not going to answer a call from myself
Whenever I do that it never goes well
So what will it take just to make it okay?
To make it all go away?
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