MATADOR

from HYMN by The Narcissist Cookbook

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lyrics

I remember asking him over one of the few joints we shared, and quite soon before his death actually, how he'd dealt with his dad dying when he'd been 17. He said nothing for a long time. And then he said:

"I don't know. I just did. Parents die, Matt. That's what they do. That's what they've always done."

I guess I expected more. In fact, I could see that there was more, but he wasn't up for sharing.

I think he was like me, in a lot of ways. When something big and scary charges straight at you, you don't face it down and take it on. You sidestep it, like a matador. Let it tumble hoof over horns into the deep, maze-like vault that extends like the tendrils of anthills for hundreds of miles beneath the surface, and which you keep near-perfectly locked. You trap the monsters behind that thick, iron-door and you slam it closed. That's how I am. That's who I am by default. I learned it from him I suppose.

The Narcissist Cookbook is an attempt to counterbalance that impulse. It's a reminder not to lock the scary things away, whether they're bulls or ghosts or dragons. We don't run from these things here. We don't dance around them. Ideally we don't even fight them, we just see them, look directly at them and try to understand them.

Sometimes I swear I can hear the bull - confused, and frightened. Raking its hooves in the dark. I need to go down there eventually, I know I do. The song's almost finished.

Just one more go round, I think. Just one more.

BEACHCOMBER BLUES
I've been digging through the sand
Filling my bucket up with things that might be gold
The skin on both my hands is rubbing raw
And the numbness is the only thing between me and the cold

But I ain't going home until find something worthy of you
Washed up on the shore from somewhere out among the blue
I ain't lonely
I got the beachcomber blues
I got the beachcomber blues

I've been digging through the sand
Keeping my eyes out for a shine among the stones
The clouds are turning black,
And I don't need to be a sailor
To know how hard the west wind blows

But I ain't going home until I find something perfect for you
Worthy isn't good enough, only the best will do
I ain't lonely
I got the beachcomber blues
I got the beachcomber blues

credits

from HYMN, released December 12, 2019

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